I want to talk about my week. This is more or less a journal entry. This is about addiction. It took me many years to see it and many people explaining it to me until I finally accepted it. I am an addict.
I have been addicted to countless things over my nearly 39 years. I've been addicted to music, addicted to women, addicted to multiple kinds of drugs, addicted to art and creation. I have also been addicted to cigarettes and alcohol. My main core vices. As you can see there are good and bad sides to this coin. It goes hand-in-hand with my all or nothing personality. When I give up one addiction it seems to transfer into something else; I can't completely shake it.
On Monday, I had a pretty severe break down that followed a long weekend of drinking, smoking and pretty much no sleeping. I woke up feeling very off and my day followed from there. It was a day full of dizzying, heart racing, horrid anxiety and anger. It was a feeling that I have not felt in a really long time. It scared me.
I could tell my body and mind were out of balance. I was just very off in every way. I woke up the next day feeling a little better but I still drank and I still smoked. Same thing went for Wednesday. Thursday I made the decision to stop and reset so I first stopped drinking. Before I went to bed, I had my last cigarette. To get through work Friday I put on a 14 mg patch. Immediately after work I took a nap and took off the patch. I have spent all weekend from that point releasing these toxins from my body and it has been severely painful. I also had to cut off everyone and everything this weekend to do it. I'm sitting here on Sunday night still slightly craving both drinking and smoking, but I feel loads better. I have a full festival season ahead of me and I know it's going to be a challenge. I know I may even fail but I know that I can't continue to live a life and do the things that I want to do with it while self-destructing. My best self is when I channel my addiction into something positive and constructive instead of negative and destructive. That is my mission from here on out. I need to be an addict of the right things.