This is terrifying and like i said last night, im not big on weight transformation. Because transformations arnt always about weight and its best to focus on the present. But i wanted to share this because it means so much to me. Last night i put on a pajama top that i havnt wore since the left picture, August 2015 when i was in hospital for the first time. I put it on and looked at myself in the mirror and realised that its skin tight😂but i was okay with that because id rather have a top too small than a life span too small. This picture speaks a thousand words, and it's not all about weight. Its the contrast of happiness and numbness. Of life and death. Recovery gave me everything i ever wanted. I didnt need all that time and effort and blood and sweat and tears to become skinny, because recovery gave me so much more than that. Self love.
And food. -
Lots and lots of food.
Irrelevant picture but I guess i'm going to do a little update ptw?-
I went to dbt for the first time today and i actually found it really good and I'll definitely be carrying on with it which is positive.
I have been really struggling with "flashbacks" as i call them because i havnt got an official diagnosis for it yet but its suspected to be ptsd. I keep having the episodes and my thoughts get triggered easily. Its weird, im so happy with life right now and everythings so perfect. I love my body and i am recovered from anorexia completely. (I actually went for a meal with calum and his whole family today btw and it was great) yet i cant seem to get the past out of my head. Everything keeps flashing back to me and it hurts. Im posting a transformation picture tomorrow and despite me not usually posting ones where theres a "weight transformation" i think this one is really positive. So keep your eyes out😊but im stressed with exams in 4 weeks (!) and im only doing one subject this year😅but im letting myself relax (not too much) and studying also. And ive been thinking about writing. I want to write a book about my journey. Ive always loved writing and i think this will be a huge positive for me to get it all down and inspire some people maybe. Ive always looked up to writers who write about mental health and their experiences because it really helped me, and i want to do that too. Im going to start doing a few ideas and see where it takes me but you'll never know. Hope you're all okay and im a message away! I love getting comments off people it means so much to me and im sorry if i dont respond early but my notifications are messing around and i dont get comments! I go through my posts as much as i can and check for comments (that sounds sad) but its important to me that i reply! Im getting to bed, hope you all sleep well❣️
I went to Amsterdam with a friend and it was sooo much fun!! I had a really good day and it felt like I left my eating disorder at home. I bought new jeans, and they're a size bigger than my other jeans, but honestly I don't care because they fit amazing. I also bought a new bikini, because my other bikini is too small #boobsoverbones . I ate the things I wanted to eat, and I didn't feel guilty at that moment (now I do😓). I even ate a donut (which is a huge fear food for me) 🍩💪🏼. My friend is very sweet, she always helps me with eating at school, and she was very supporting today too. We went to Metropolitain and I took the Tony Chocolonely crêpes!! There were safer options, but my friend was like; "I know what you want. You're going to eat them." She really knows what I'm thinking😂. It was a huge challenge, but I really wanted to try them indeed, so I did it. And they were worth it 😍😍 Tomorrow, I'm leaving to Schiermonnikoog (a Dutch island) for a week, which probably means that I'm going to be inactive. I've never been there before, but we're going to a holiday resort. I'm a little bit scared because there's a swimming pool, and it's a long time ago since I've swum. I've gained a lot since the last time, and since I already feel uncomfortable in clothes, I think that I'll feel horrible in a bikini. But I love my new bikini so I'm just going to do it!!! My brothers and parents really like swimming, and I don't want to be in the house alone, so I guess that swimming is going to be the goal of this holiday🙆🏼. I know that I can't avoid swimming pools forever, but I'm really scared of what people will think about my body, especially my upper legs and belly. If you have any tips for swimming and feeling comfortable in a bikini, please tell me❤️ Keep fighting🌟
Let me tell you a little secret..
Im "overweight" yeah you read that right. I never thought i'd be telling you my weight but I'm not doing it to trigger or boast, just to show that the bmi chart is a load of bollocks. I am 5'6 and weigh 70kg (156 pounds) which makes my bmi 25- overweight. I am the most healthy I've ever been, and for a medical chart to tell me I'm not isn't very helpful. But I've never payed attention to bmi. If i feel unwell, I am unwell. If i feel healthy, I am healthy. I can walk long distance- granted, it does hurt my knees in relation to my arthritis but nothing else bothers me. I can dance, run, laugh and concentrate. I can think straight and I can be happy in my body. If thats what overweight is, then I love being overweight. My bp is normal, my heart rate is around 80. Thats perfectly healthy. I'm not fat. Just because a number tells me I'm in the "orange zone" does not mean I'm going to panic and lose weight and be miserable. I'm happy in the body I'm in and nothing will change that. This is the body that recovery gave me and I'm grateful for every roll and bit of flab and toned bits. So why are we living life so obsessed and controlled by this stupid bmi number? People say I look great, so I take that as a compliment. I think I look great, professionals think I look great. So this number 25 can do one, why should I change a perfectly healthy body in order to get the title of a lower number that no one else even knows about?
Posted to my facebook today;
Okay so this 13 reasons why needs some discussing. I finished watching it this afternoon and everyone who has watched it are saying things like "never watch this if you have mental health issues" and "this is so triggering it needs to be banned" and "this is so sad lets do something to help people struggling so this doesn't happen"
Let me just say, I have mental health problems. I have been in multiple psychiatric hospitals for the past two years on and off. I have attempted suicide. And personally, I enjoyed the show. It was a great story line and kept me gripped throughout. It didn't bother me in the slightest, and despite it being upsetting I don't have plans to go and complain to the producers for this. Lets be honest, if we removed all of the shows and movies in the world that ever bothered someone then we'd have nothing left of the media. We can't shield everyone from reality because guess what, these things happen in real life. People commit suicide. And okay, I agree that it was unneeded to SHOW the actual suicide in the programme, but it's not as if mental health was mocked by the screenplay or displayed in a cruel way. It was portrayed in different lights and with different peoples views which were all relevant to real life and there's nothing wrong with that. If you feel that it may upset you or trigger you then you don't need to watch it, you were warned of the content. I'm not saying we should treat these issues as not serious and normal because they're real things that ruin many lives and the show was very clear about that. So yeah, it was upsetting, but before complaining to the producers about the content of this series then consider maybe getting in touch with Disney as well because I'm sure finding nemo, bambi and frozen upset a good deal of people.